You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
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