just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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