I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
This is classic penis vs brain.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
there is puke in my bra ... again
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
