I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
