Banned from zoo.
Again?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
