My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
