I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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