HIV tests are more positive than that guy
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Randomize
