oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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