the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Randomize
