at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
There r osticjed everywhere
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
