But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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