Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
