I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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