yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
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