You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
