Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
