I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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