im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
