i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
organizing the empties. That sober.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
