You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Randomize
