And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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