I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
