Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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