So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
