Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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