If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
