Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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