Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
