He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
