Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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