im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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