Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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