Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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