I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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