Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Apparently you make a good broom.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
