He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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