I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
