Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
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