My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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