My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
