there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
