She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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