I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
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