gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
