listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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