I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just cut my nipple shaving
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
