Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
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