honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
