I got chris browned last night
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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