Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
