i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
