I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
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