I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize