That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
