Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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