I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
