She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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